Saturday, October 1, 2011

What difference a day makes.

I just now noticed that my last post was August 12th, 2011 at about 11:30 pm. That night I had gone out with my father who I was visiting for a couple weeks, and we had a wonderful time. I love him dearly and he really is my best friend in the whole world.  He had to work in the morning so we only stayed up pretty late rather than extra super late. I was the happiest person in the world and little did I know the next day would change my entire life.

I haven't posted in a while, and here is why.

The next morning I was awoken by frantic phone calls and text messages from my sister. It was about 8:30 Wisconsin time, so 9:30 back home.  My sister was trying to get in touch with either myself or my dad who let me sleep in when he went to work, to let me know that my mother had passed away in the night. She wasn't at home either, she had gone to the beach the very night that I was the happiest person I could imagine. My initial reaction, as is anyone's in shock, was that it wasn't real. My sister was playing some absolutely hideous joke and I simply could not believe the words she was speaking. I had just spoken to my mom less than 24 hours before that. I passed through denial quickly and into anger. I was home alone, which was probably a very bad situation for me.  I have never really had to deal with shock and significant loss in my life other than boyfriends and this was a doozy to have as a first. Granted, my mother and I did not have the best of relationships and I will expand on that, but she was still my mother. I was so unbelievably upset that I started to hyperventilate which I've only done one other time. I needed my inhaler and to just sit down and breathe, but shock was still overtaking my system. I think I skipped bargaining and went right into depression. It was only at night, when I was alone, and had too much time to think about too many things, and it passed in a few days. After the first night I was back home and in my own bed, I was okay. My house was flooded with people for the service and I had come home, after a changed flight, the day before my mother's funeral. I had to hit the ground running and I had no time to dwell on anything or think about anything too much. I am still unsure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

I was so humbled to have received so many phone calls from my HPU family and friends and to know that I had so many people thinking about my family and I. I kind of had the generic thank you and film over my eyes and voice for a few days otherwise I would not have been able to survive, but the well wishes and condolences were very appreciated. I was also very lucky and happy to have my two best friends in NC sitting there next to me. I don't know what I would do, to this day and before hand without Ben and Anna-Parsons. I would not have had them anywhere else but right next to me. I was so appreciative of all my family, other friends and co-workers that came to the service, and surprisingly, I was the one to hold it together and my sister was a little more shaky than usual. We both amply expected it to be the other way around. We made it through and we were grateful to have so much support from so many people.

Then it was time to go back to reality. Great.

There were a few things that I was still trying to get sorted out with school in the last couple weeks of summer due to nothing but pure procrastination. With the news of my mother, I was all but forced to drop anything and everything I was doing, thinking of, preparing for and planning on for who knew how long.  The night of the service I stayed with Anna-Parsons at her parent's house and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. I had come to the conclusion with some help and sane guidance from her that I was just simply not able to go back to HPU. This, something that many people may not be able to understand, as it's just a school, was the most difficult decision that have had to make thus far in my life and I hope to never come across another thing like it again. I had to make the decision to leave High Point and figure out what I was going to do in a matter of 3 days. I thought a lot about it and it was by no means an easy choice, but it needed to be done. 

With the inspiration of Anna-Parsons, her mom, and her sister, I have set my heart on East Carolina University. Her sister went there for the same program I would be going for- Musical Theatre. That whole process is still messy and being dealt with a day at a time and I will stay updated hopefully. 

Moving on. :)

The past month I have been doing almost nothing but working, spending time with my sister and sleeping. We have gone through a lot of my mom's things, but she had a lot of crap. 

Tomorrow my sister is moving back to Connecticut and I don't know what I am going to do. I haven't been without my sister in over a year and a half, and when she wasn't here, I had my mom and my grandmother. Now it's just grandma and I. If everything works out with ECU I will be living on campus in January and then it will just be grandma in the house alone. I am unspeakably excited to be able to get out and live on campus, but I don't want to leave her alone. 

I also don't want to be alone in the next few months.

My life is about to get more monotonous than I have ever seen it before and hopefully it will be easier, because I've dealt with unbearable monotony before and now I know it's coming. 

Now I'm just rambling...

Anyway. On a different note of my life. I have met someone recently that I have to take a deep sigh of relief at. His name is Eric and if he reads this post I hope he doesn't become too flattered. ;)

It seems to most people surprising, though it doesn't really matter, but we met online. The site is not important, its' only relevance is that it enabled us to find out some basic information about each other, talk a little bit and make sure the other was not a crazy psycho killer and then arrange a time to meet. I will fully admit to something which has never happened to me before, but I was very anxious to meet him. I don't know what it was, because when it comes to meeting new people and talking to guys, I don't get nervous anymore, but I was VERY nervous. Anyway. We had a wonderful first date, we went to a Japanese place and had some sushi and dinner, bowling and then hung out at the bar for a while. I instantly felt super comfortable around him and talking to him, and my initial anxiety became silly and embarrassing.  I normally am a complete open book, but I felt like we could just talk about anything or nothing and be just fine. We've gone out together a few more times over the past 2 weeks or so and at least I feel that things are going very well. I'm not going to say any more on the matter, for fear of jinxing anything. I will keep you posted though. :D

Mother passed
Dropped out of school
Car died (oh, I forgot that part. Well, it didn't DIE but I had to get a lot of work done on it. NOT cheap.)
I stepped in gum (my cousin told me this would have put him over the edge)
Sister leaving
No friends
New male friend
Some time off from school that I apparently wished for on August 12th. 

Other than that I have had a very close friend pass away in March, my sister's best friend's father pass in July and a good friend go to prison (long story). It has been one HELL of a year and frankly, I can't say I am unhappy in this very moment. Which makes me think I am either bottling everything up and I just don't know it, or I am heartless and have no soul as my sister tells me all the time. Both are plausible. 

I have been asked if I have grieved yet, and I have. I went through depression and moved to acceptance in a matter of 4 days and I don't feel like I am holding anything extremely large, in. It sucked, yes, and it still is more or less a surreal feeling, but it happened and there isn't anything I can do about it no matter how much I would like to. I still find myself thinking about her being in the next room, or expecting to see her when I come home from work or at dinner, and it isn't easy, but it is what it is.  

I said that my mother's and mine's relationship wasn't the easiest and that's true. We didn't get along well most of the time and there were a lot of contributing factors that have been there my entire life that had just accumulated to the point of no return. To say it was strained was to put it lightly. This is unfortunate, however no less true. It was the same with her and my sister, though perhaps a little more serious because it started 10 years before mine did. There were many things she did to and many things she didn't do for us that were probably necessary for the development of ourselves as individuals and with her as our mother. I am not bashing her, don't get me wrong, but to someone on the outside, it wasn't just as easy as "my mother died." It was complicated. 

I sometimes feel bad if people ask me why I am not still or was not more upset, and it is very difficult to explain. Like I said I don't feel as though I am or have been holding anything major in, to the point of combusting, but I also am not going to force anything that isn't there, and that isn't something most people get. ANYWHO. 

I commend you, random readers, for making it this far. Please take this as no reach for pity or sympathy from anyone. Simply getting things out. If anyone has a question for me, if anyone reads this, please don't hesitate to ask me. I am more than an open book. Just, unless provoked, I don't have great stream-of-consciousness abilities.

I am BEET. Call Mr. McGregor. Goodnight :)

She literally gives me chills :