Wednesday, January 12, 2011

"To read a poem in January is as lovely as to go for a walk in June."

Before I start.. I have a disclaimer: If you haven't picked up by now, this blog gets personal.  Nothing gross, or that I wouldn't want people to know, otherwise I wouldn't post it for the entire world to see. Please don't judge me, assume the worst of me, or think I feel sorry for myself.  This is a diary style blog that you all get the pleasure of reading. :) 

Have a problem with that? Don't read it. 

Happy New Year everyone :)

I have decided 2011 is a year for me to do something.  It is the first year in the third decade of my life, and aside from being absolutely terrifying, that strikes a nerve with me.  I feel that I have nothing to show for my nearly 21 years on this Earth and by God, I am going to change it.  

Number one: School

I have NEVER done well in school.  With perhaps the exception of pre-school and kindergarten.  For something that shapes the entire rest of my life, I don't care that much about it.  I suppose I shouldn't say that.. It isn't that I don't care at all, but I don't seem to care enough or in the right way.  Mediocre sometimes barely passing grades have done nothing for me but stress me out and get me in more trouble down the line than the slacking off was worth, but yet year after year the C's and D's roll in with ease.  I HATE having to lie about knowing my GPA or what grade I got in what class or what test just because I'm ashamed.  Whether my poor school work ethic is due to undiagnosed learning disability, parents that passed on their lack of regard for my education or pure lack of motivation, I'm going to change it.  Every single day I am going to tell myself to do what needs to be done, before doing what I want to do. If I have to staple a post-it to my forehead, its going to happen. :)

Number two: Service

My whole life I have always done something in the community, volunteering of some sort, and I have always loved every minute of it.  Helping other people, even by doing the smallest things, makes me feel good about myself.  Since I moved to North Carolina, I haven't gotten the opportunity to do too much in the community yet.  I do belong to one of the church choirs near my school.  They love having me there, and for that (though not the ONLY reason), I love being there.  I have had this pipe dream of going to an elementary school somewhere nearby and doing something with the little ones and music.  Feeding my love for children, music, teaching, and maybe helping the next musical legend find some inspiration.  Optimistic, I know, but you NEVER know who you interact with everyday, and who they are or may turn out to be, why not do something that may feed that and inadvertently change the world.

Alright enough philosophy... :)

So whether it be volunteering at a food bank, school, with a sports team, whatever, I want to do it. Even if it is one or two days a week, no one is going to complain that I'm offering too little of my own time to help other people, they will be eternally grateful for whatever they are given.

Number three: Personal

If I can't take care of myself, I am no good to anyone.  I need to make sure that I take care of me and what I need to do, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I am not going to let anyone else dictate my life or what I do with it.  It is no one's life but mine, and if I let other people live it for me now, it is only going to be me in the end that ends up disappointed.  I am going to make sure that I am the most important person to me.  I am the only person I live my entire life with and I want to make sure I like that person.  Other people aren't going to like me if I don't like myself.  

Which bring me to

Number four: Love

I have been single for 1 year, 11 months and 2 days. I'm not a super crazy person, the math just wasn't that hard to figure out on the spot.  :)  But seriously, I am getting absolutely sick and tired of it.  I feel like I may be sounding a little selfish when I ask for the possibly non-existent true love, and that I want it now.  That is not at all what I am asking for, though that would be great, thats not what I want.  I am simply looking for someone that I can have a good time with for a while.  Someone that cares about me, that I care about in return, perhaps even love, and to gain a relationship, friendship or otherwise, that can last a lifetime.  Making friends in general is hard for me, and trying to get someone to fall in love with me is damn near impossible.  I don't necessarily believe in one-on-one soul-mates, because honestly the odds of me finding the ONE person in a crowd of 6-7 billion that was created especially for me, is a little bit of a stretch, even for me.  I think that there are many people, an infinite amount maybe, that you could be compatible with.  Depending on where you are in your own life when you meet this person, dictates how your relationship will develop, be it in the favor of love or not.  

Story time:
    In August of 2007, I went to Ireland.  On the ferry between Galway and Inis Oirr, we had rocks (that we were instructed to chose earlier in the morning and carry with us) that we were going to throw into the Ocean.  We were to write something on the rock, and not share it with anyone, and huck it over the side of the boat to plummet to the bottom of the North Atlantic.  I wrote something on it that meant a lot to me.  Something that I promised I was going to do for myself, to improve my general quality of life.  I am not going to share what it was.  It must remain where it is now and will be until the end of the Earth: at the bottom of the North Atlantic.  This is my quasi-rock. I am re-writing my vow on said rock and tossing it into the Ocean. 

I am doing this again because in 2007, one month later I met the love of my life :)

I hope that I can find someone that loves me, genuinely and whole-heartedly.  Sooner rather than later would be preferable, but I can be patient :)  

I have bored you enough for this evening... er. morning :)  I have a lot more to talk about- Winter break! So I will probably be posting again tomorrow... er. later. 

Bon Soir, 

No stumble guys, too tired! <3