Friday, December 23, 2011

Qualities A Boyfriend Should Have

I saw this post from my friend the other day, and I like it, for the most part. First off, there SHOULD NOT be 100 of them, nor do there need to be. If you had to cut your list of things you want in a boyfriend down to 100, you are WAY to darn picky, and you need to be realistic. I think this could be cut down to about 10-15 MUST-haves and maybe 5-10 nice-to-haves. I'm gonna try to cut it down to what I think it should be.

I'm going to leave that list, so you can judge for yourself and see what else you would put in there other than what I have chosen for me. I WILL, however, put my commentary next to each of them, and put my new and improved list down below. :)

1. …will not cheat on me. -Duh. Honesty.
2. …will recycle, donate to a cause, volunteer, and otherwise be a contributing member to society’s well-being.-Yes, but that can break down to being a good-hearted person in general.
3. …won’t put others down to make himself feel better.- Good point, but that can be also simplified to being comfortable in himself
4. …will treat everyone with respect.- Respect. On point.
5. …will have a job.- I am always a little wary of that demand. While I do agree with it, some people have the roles reversed in their household. For all intents and purposes, as a "quality," it's out.

6. …will not smoke pot.- I think this and any other substance abuse related demands can be combined into, "Will not do something that puts his life at danger everyday."
7. …will talk when the need arises versus trying to put it off until later.-Yeahhh.. I can't say I disagree, but that's specific. I think it could be put under honesty.
8. …will not watch ESPN endlessly.- Ehh. I am an avid supporter of guys need guy time. So while I don't think they need to spend every second with me, they can not have a life of ESPN. Unless it is their job. Out.
9. …will not judge me for watching bad TV.-Agree, but it isn't by any means a deal-breaker in the relationship. Make fun of me all you want, I'm just gonna turn around and laugh at your video games. :P What is a relationship without a little teasing.
10. …will not be jealous of my gay best friend.- I agree, but who does that?! It's out. 11. …will not want to spend every waking second with me.-Yeah, but there are like 3 other demands that pretty much say the same thing. Unnecessary. How about, takes the required amount of time needed to himself, but not overboard.
12. …will call and not text.- I'm also cautious of this. It would be nice sometimes, but by no means a DEMAND. Out.
13. …will be tall.- So you're not going to fall in love with someone's personality because they're short? Hmm.. can we say SHALLOW!
14. …will be emotionally mature, available, and evolved.-Bingo. But, I think you can just say mature. That covers it.
15. …will not wear a cell phone holster. -AMEN. But again, not a deal-breaker.
16. …will know how to manage his money- Yes, but change that to responsible, and it covers a lot more and is less intimidating.
17. …will not be vain.- Humble, yeah, but if he's already good-hearted, he is almost automatically humble.
18. …will ask me how I’m doing and how my day was and actually care.- Conscientious. Yep.
19. …will be content sometimes to spend the whole day in bed watching movies and eating takeout.- That's just being loving and adventurous.
20. …will compliment me every now and then, especially when I’ve made an effort to look nice for a night out.-Conscientious and good-hearted. Who doesn't love to be complimented. :)
21. …will not be an alcoholic.-Again, danger.
22. …will have goals, dreams, and the drive to achieve them.- Driven, hard working.
23. …will understand that ‘No’ means ‘No.'-This hits SO many points. Respectful, conscientious, good-hearted. It's in, but indirectly.
24. …will know how to do his own laundry.- Responsible.
25. …will text or call just to say ‘Hi.’- Conscientious.
26. …will not live across the country.-Could that even be considered a relationship?? Out.
27. …will consider a long distance relationship if he has to move away.- Ehhh.. If you're already in a good relationship, it should just work out. If not, Then it's for the best. Doesn't this contradict the previous demand anyway.
28. …will be interested in culture, music, art, and travel.-Sure, but this goes under mature. Because most mature men, care about things that either you care about, or have a good sense of what good art, music etc. is.
29. …will have read a book since high school.- Yes, but this could go under mature in a round-about way. If he is mature enough, he will know that life isn't all about sitting in front of video games and such. He will want to educate himself more and broaden his mind.
30. …will not snore…much.-Worst demand ever. Out.
31. …will tell the truth. Honesty.
32. …will be open-minded and non-judgmental of others.-Goes with good-hearted.
33. …will put as much effort forth to find out about my day as I did about his.-Conscientious.
34. …will learn how to communicate like an adult.-Mature.
35. …will actually enjoying spending time with me.- This I think, opens maybe a new sub-category, but it goes with loving me for me.
36. …will be crazy about me as much as I will be about him.-Same as above.
37. …will not make me feel dumb or childish.-Mature and respectful. This IS a borderline deal-breaker, but it doesn't need to be so specific.
38. …will appreciate the art of foreplay.- Lol. Yes. That is important. But I think this can go into being passionate, in and out of private.
39. …will not try to teach me when I didn’t ask to be taught.-This is a strange demand. Perhaps, because I always enjoy being taught new things by my boyfriend. I want to learn anything he has to teach me, but if you do feel as such, it would go under being respectful.
40. …will wear plaid well.- Yes. Ma'am. Has a sense of style, and dresses appropriately.
41. …will want to go to sleep at night with me, and wake up beside me in the mornings, not on the couch.-This is so random and specific.. Out.
42. …will have sex with his eyes open, most of the time.-........? Out.
43. …will appreciate my efforts to try new things.- New avenue! Be adventurous! Yes. I FULLY agree with being with someone who is open to learn and try new things, maybe just because you want to try them, so he'll do it with you.
44. …will talk to me when something bothers him.-Honesty at it's best.
45. …will love me for me — faults, imperfections and all — and love me all the more for them.-This is going with being mature, but I think I would like to put it in it's own requirement. It says a lot and covers a lot of other things on this list.
46. …will continually surprise me.-This doesn't need to be with gifts or presents or whatever, but with doing something new, or even something about their actions. I LOVE being pleasantly surprised with something they say or do. I love learning new things about my boyfriend.
47. …will lovingly accept my neurosis.-Accept me for me.
48. …will have the ‘we’ team mentality.-This is being respectful and honest with each other, but I think it does raise a good point of having a mutual respect and give and take, if you will, in the relationship.
49. …will stay with me through joy and pain.-Conscientiousness and respect. And loving me for me.
50. …will have a backbone in the relationship and not be afraid to tell me ‘no.’- I like the meaning behind it, but not the wording. I think a good sense to stand up for what they believe in. Also not to let one person get too out of control. Keep each other in line
51. …will be a great kisser.-Duh. But that can be taught ;)
52. …will have a great sense of humor, but know when to be serious.- Spot on.
53. …will be more passionate in random moments.- Got it.
54. …will know who he is as a person and be honest about that.- Check.
55. …will think I’m HOT, not just cute.- Eh.. I want to be considered beautiful not matter what I look like. Even if he doesn't think I'm 'hot.' Out.
56. …will treat me as well as my friends do.- Unless you have crappy friends. Just treat me with love and respect.
57. …will be able to laugh at himself.- Check.
58. …will have a regular sized temper than does not super-size itself randomly.- This, believe it or not, falls under being passionate. If there is something he believes in so fervently that he is going to get mad over it, it is a good thing. ESPECIALLY if it's you.
59. …will kiss me passionately every once and a while.- I love that. My thing is to treat ever kiss as if it were the first and the last. :)
60. …will give me space.- Covered
61. …will not have a fixation with his ex.-Yes, but thats obvious. Mature
62. …will not make me feel like I’m only second best.- I don't think anyone should do that, but it goes with being respectful
63. …will be able to think more than two days in the future.- This is kind of obvious, but it goes along with being hard working and driven and having goals for themselves.
64. …will not go to bed at 9:30 pm.-Strange... I mean, if he needs to go to bed early to get up early I would rather him do that than go to bed late and suffer the next day. That's being responsible. Out.
65. …will have a good spiritual connection, but not enough to make me think he may want to be a priest.- This is maturity. If he knows himself well enough to have made a decision of whether or not to have a faith or religion than he's probably pretty mature.
66. …will want a family.-I PERSONALLY agree, but if YOU don't want a family, it would be counter-productive if your boyfriend does. Out.
67. …will know what a commitment is and follow up that knowledge with actions that support it.-This sentence doesn't even make any sense. But I will agree with the word commitment.
68. …will understand that relationships aren’t all perfect, and that sometimes fighting can resolve difficult issues.- I take from this, being willing to work for the relationship, because it won't come easily.
69. …will like going out on a week night sometimes, rather than just watching TV.- Not being uptight and stuffy, got it. Even though it contradicts number 19.
70. …will be responsible with money..-This was number 16 too...... -__-
71. …will get more satisfaction than dissatisfaction from his job.- I like the idea of this. Doing something that you love everyday, rather than something you hate. But you can not always be picky when it comes to jobs. Sometimes, you just need a job. You may hate it every day, but the fact that you go to it, because you know you need money for bills, is being VERY mature and responsible and I really respect that.
72. …will appreciate that my child is my number one priority.-Unless you don't have a child..
73. …will be able to deal with my pet.- Or a pet..
74. …will talk dirty.- ;) This goes along with being passionate and being adventurous.
75. …will be confident in himself, but not egotistical.-Got it.
76. …won’t have an extensive and publicly known porn collection.-LOL. This is so obvious. And HILARIOUS.
77. …will trust me.-Yes.
78. …will be more interested in sex because he wants to be with me, not because it’s sex and he just wants it.- kind of loving me for me, kind of being passionate... I don't know.. strange
79. …will love wine.-I don't give a crumb if he doesn't like wine. He can drink whatever he wants. Out.
80. …will take out the trash and happily do the dishes.- This is being mature, and we certainly appreciate it. But I don't think it's necessary.
81. …will not take himself so seriously.-Covered
82. …will not beat a dead horse of a conversation when we disagree, and try to strong arm to prove he is right- What does this even mean?! There is way too much in that sentence. Out simply on the fact it doesn't make any sense.
83. …will not be selfish with his love when things don’t go his way.-This is not being childish. If my boyfriend acted like that, I would go home. LOL
84. …will say he’s open minded and actually mean it- Yep
85. …won’t judge me by my past relationships.- I whole heartedly believe that past relationships should be discussed, because you learn more about each other that way.
86. …will not remind me of how hot girls are that are the complete opposite of me.-This is being respectful and loving me for me.
87. …will not push anal sex on me every time I’m on my period.-...........................Um. This makes me pretty uncomfortable. Out.
88. …will have sex with me while I’m on my period.-Again..... Um. Out.
89. …will have already installed the filter that lets him know when not to say inappropriate, offensive things in front of me.-Coming from a person that gets offended by almost nothing.. Out.
90. …will love that I have such a big heart.-That's a little conceited, but I suppose if he loves you, he loves your big heart..
91. …will be smart but not snide.- Yes, and confident, but not arrogant.
92. …will not have friends of the opposite sex who aren’t just friends.- That is pretty much a given too.. Infidelity will not be tolerated.
93. …will love that I’m independent.-Unless you're not. Out.
94. …will be okay with little displays of affection such as holding hands.- Yes, that is important. But that goes with wanting to spend time together, and all that jazz.
95. …will not be in trouble with the law.-Yes, but if he is responsible, mature, and knows how to handle himself, he won't be.. That is kind of essential in any relationship.
96. …will like to go down on me.-.....................Out.
97. …will not spend engagement-ring money on a Skeeball lane for his basement.-....??????? Again. Weird and too specific. Out. 

98. …will VOTE and not make excuses about why he chooses not to vote.-That is being a respectable member of society
99. …will NOT be a manorexic gym fanatic.-I like to go to the gym, but right, not manorexic. I like some meat on my man ;)
100. …will stand up for me if someone unexpectedly attacks me, verbally or otherwise, and ask questions later.- Yep. I want to be spoken for if necessary, but I can fight a battle or two for myself.

Okay. So here is the new list. I have broken it down into about 15 things, that are pretty essential in I would hope any guy and especially a boyfriend. I might be a little biased, and have based this a little bit around my boyfriend :) There are also a few things that are pretty essential to the relationship as a whole, and not just specific qualities from one person. The list is in order (pretty much) from what I think is most important, to what (out of the list) is less important. 

1. Honest
2. Mature
3. Respectful
4. Passionate

5. Doesn't take himself to seriously/sense of humor
6. Trusting
7.  Responsible
8. Good-hearted
9. Conscientious
10. Down to Earth
11. Loves me for who I am

12. Be adventurous
13. Driven and hard-working
14. Has a sense of style and dresses appropriately.

15. Believes in something and stands up for it.

16. Is comfortable and confident in himself. 

Things that are essential for a healthy functioning relationship:

Mutual respect and commitment in the relationship

Keep each other in line. 
Try to learn something new about each other every day.
Have a healthy respect for the needs of each other. Know each other's boundaries.

I think both of those are good lists. As you can see, I got that list of 100 down to about 20, in all. Again, those are for me specifically and you can feel free to think differently. I am lucky that my boyfriend possesses these qualities and I don't have to worry! :D Tell me if you like the list!!

<3 -R

Thursday, December 1, 2011

New York, New York.

One of the most important things to me, is loyalty. I believe in it with all of my heart and soul.

Since my pilgrimage to Ireland in 2007, and even before, I have been absolutely in LOVE with everything Irish and everything having to do with Ireland. The land, the food, the music, the people, the culture, the history. Oh! The history! The traditions and customs and the overall spirit of being Irish. I am not Irish myself, but you know the saying: There are two kinds of people, those who are Irish, and those who wish they were.

The most important to me, and I think appreciated (rightfully so) traditions is the Claddagh. The Irish wedding rings. When worn on the right hand either of two ways means one thing, and the same on the left. The ring is a crown atop a heart, being surrounded by hands, each signifying something that is essential in any relationship, especially marriage. The hands are friendship, which I believe is the first step. Love, is the heart, which is the final step in my eyes, but the most important, by far, is the crown, which means loyalty. Loyalty may be a stepping stone to love, but it is the last pump on a large assembly line of love, which without, nothing would be possible.

Too cheesy? Don't care. :)

But truly, loyalty is the most important thing in a relationship followed equally by trust (can't have one without the other) and then honesty and communication, and probably follows by similar interests or sexual compatibility.

(I bet you thought I was going to say equality. HA! Don't make me laugh. Men are completely superior. ;] )


I can't honestly say how many people I have put my trust in, and I have actually seen and had them prove their loyalty. In total, I think about only 10 people over the course of my life. Some being family, which may not count, and in that case, 7. Only have I ever met 7 people that are worth my (non-blood related) equal trust and loyalty and respect. Which is not something that is easily attained or regained after lost.

My whole reasoning for the loyalty rant, is to come to talk about my dreams and goals in my life and my career. So much has happened in the past two years, since I moved to NC, that I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I started school with an interior design path and I've wound up somewhere around music, theatre and education. Every day, decisions have to be made and each decision changes my view on what I want to do with my life.

There are a few things that remain unchanged, and really, the rest is unsure.

•I want to be loved. Unconditionally and passionately.
•I want to have a family and a home that I can take care of.
•I want to wake up every day and be able to do something I love doing. If my view on what I'm doing changes, so be it, I will adjust what I do.

The secondary goals in my life are things that I think would help me achieve the first set, but really are up in the air. These may seem like the primary dreams I have, and they are, but I am a realistic person. You don't always get what you want and if I can have all of column A, and some of column B, great.

•I want to live in New York.
•I want to perform.
•I want to be financially stable, if not moderately wealthy.
•I want my husband to have the same passion I have for music or an equal passion for something else.

For the finer details, they may be a little bit more far fetched, but none-the-less would be wonderful. Mostly, this is where I run into some conflicts, with timing in my life, and just physical impossibilities.

•I want to live in New York City.
•I want to be on Broadway.
•I want to have a loving husband and between 5 and 8 kids.
•I want to be married and on my way to children by 25.
•I want to raise my children in the town I grew up in.
•I want to be able to be a housewife, and have a job and hobbies, but be able to have a career if I wanted one.

There are a few snafus I run into about where I want to live, or when. But I know, as soon as I meet the right man, and I know he's the one, everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and I whole heartedly believe, and look forward to that.

I have had a bit of a difficult time in my life with abandonment. I have been left, and tossed away, and made to feel like nothing. I feel I am a stronger person for having been through the things in my life that I have, but there has been some damage that takes a bit more to sift through.

I have heard and been left, many times with the reason "Oh, what should you care, you're leaving anyway," in regards to my dreams and willingness and potential plans to move to New York. It makes me feel so guilty for following my dreams and to do something I love, when someone tells me they refuse to love me because of that. It shows people's true colors and you wouldn't want to be with them anyway, but it still hurts.

I do not think it is fair for ANYONE, to tell anyone else they don't care about them, or won't try BECAUSE they might be moving, or down the road, potentially moving to a city they might not like. Especially when they are following their dreams. That makes people feel so lousy, and it is unfair. That person who is leaving, may not either have a choice, or is doing it for themselves, and I think calling them out on it and thus, NOT standing by them, is the most selfish thing a person can do.

Moving on.

I am so unendingly blessed to have met one of the greatest men I've met in a long time. Eric is my boyfriend and we met through an online dating web-site. Almost from day 1, I have been so fascinated by him and I want to learn more about him every day. We've been going for about 2 months, but we've been going out on dates for almost 3. He is intelligent, funny, mindful, clever, he has a head on his shoulders. He's passionate, kind, weird enough to keep up with me, devastatingly handsome and I adore him. I truly know how lucky I am to have met him and I can not wait to be with him for hopefully a long while. :D

I am (still pending) transferring to East Carolina University. Which is about 3 1/2-4 hours from where I live now, but only about 2 1/2-3 from Eric. He has done nothing but support me in every decision concerning school. He wants to make sure I am doing something I love, and I am getting a good education, somewhere I like. He knows that me being far away is going to be hard, but he is more than willing to work something out, and isn't running. I appreciate that sentiment more than if he were to insanely move down there for 5 months, so we didn't have to be apart. That is actually kind of crazy and I'm really glad he didn't think of that. The fact that he cares about me enough to not be bothered by extended periods of not seeing each other, and is going to work through it, is something that is worth more than gold to me. As can be taken from this entire post.

So, I suppose the moral is, get to know the people you care about, and find out what they care about, and care about it yourself too, if nothing else but for them. Also too, probably is don't abandon the people who mean the most to you, no matter what happens or how hard you foresee an obstacle to be. It builds character and makes you a better person for it.

I'm done, mentally and physically drained but that could be because it's 3 am. :)

Goodnight. <3

Saturday, October 1, 2011

What difference a day makes.

I just now noticed that my last post was August 12th, 2011 at about 11:30 pm. That night I had gone out with my father who I was visiting for a couple weeks, and we had a wonderful time. I love him dearly and he really is my best friend in the whole world.  He had to work in the morning so we only stayed up pretty late rather than extra super late. I was the happiest person in the world and little did I know the next day would change my entire life.

I haven't posted in a while, and here is why.

The next morning I was awoken by frantic phone calls and text messages from my sister. It was about 8:30 Wisconsin time, so 9:30 back home.  My sister was trying to get in touch with either myself or my dad who let me sleep in when he went to work, to let me know that my mother had passed away in the night. She wasn't at home either, she had gone to the beach the very night that I was the happiest person I could imagine. My initial reaction, as is anyone's in shock, was that it wasn't real. My sister was playing some absolutely hideous joke and I simply could not believe the words she was speaking. I had just spoken to my mom less than 24 hours before that. I passed through denial quickly and into anger. I was home alone, which was probably a very bad situation for me.  I have never really had to deal with shock and significant loss in my life other than boyfriends and this was a doozy to have as a first. Granted, my mother and I did not have the best of relationships and I will expand on that, but she was still my mother. I was so unbelievably upset that I started to hyperventilate which I've only done one other time. I needed my inhaler and to just sit down and breathe, but shock was still overtaking my system. I think I skipped bargaining and went right into depression. It was only at night, when I was alone, and had too much time to think about too many things, and it passed in a few days. After the first night I was back home and in my own bed, I was okay. My house was flooded with people for the service and I had come home, after a changed flight, the day before my mother's funeral. I had to hit the ground running and I had no time to dwell on anything or think about anything too much. I am still unsure if this was a good thing or a bad thing.

I was so humbled to have received so many phone calls from my HPU family and friends and to know that I had so many people thinking about my family and I. I kind of had the generic thank you and film over my eyes and voice for a few days otherwise I would not have been able to survive, but the well wishes and condolences were very appreciated. I was also very lucky and happy to have my two best friends in NC sitting there next to me. I don't know what I would do, to this day and before hand without Ben and Anna-Parsons. I would not have had them anywhere else but right next to me. I was so appreciative of all my family, other friends and co-workers that came to the service, and surprisingly, I was the one to hold it together and my sister was a little more shaky than usual. We both amply expected it to be the other way around. We made it through and we were grateful to have so much support from so many people.

Then it was time to go back to reality. Great.

There were a few things that I was still trying to get sorted out with school in the last couple weeks of summer due to nothing but pure procrastination. With the news of my mother, I was all but forced to drop anything and everything I was doing, thinking of, preparing for and planning on for who knew how long.  The night of the service I stayed with Anna-Parsons at her parent's house and I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else. I had come to the conclusion with some help and sane guidance from her that I was just simply not able to go back to HPU. This, something that many people may not be able to understand, as it's just a school, was the most difficult decision that have had to make thus far in my life and I hope to never come across another thing like it again. I had to make the decision to leave High Point and figure out what I was going to do in a matter of 3 days. I thought a lot about it and it was by no means an easy choice, but it needed to be done. 

With the inspiration of Anna-Parsons, her mom, and her sister, I have set my heart on East Carolina University. Her sister went there for the same program I would be going for- Musical Theatre. That whole process is still messy and being dealt with a day at a time and I will stay updated hopefully. 

Moving on. :)

The past month I have been doing almost nothing but working, spending time with my sister and sleeping. We have gone through a lot of my mom's things, but she had a lot of crap. 

Tomorrow my sister is moving back to Connecticut and I don't know what I am going to do. I haven't been without my sister in over a year and a half, and when she wasn't here, I had my mom and my grandmother. Now it's just grandma and I. If everything works out with ECU I will be living on campus in January and then it will just be grandma in the house alone. I am unspeakably excited to be able to get out and live on campus, but I don't want to leave her alone. 

I also don't want to be alone in the next few months.

My life is about to get more monotonous than I have ever seen it before and hopefully it will be easier, because I've dealt with unbearable monotony before and now I know it's coming. 

Now I'm just rambling...

Anyway. On a different note of my life. I have met someone recently that I have to take a deep sigh of relief at. His name is Eric and if he reads this post I hope he doesn't become too flattered. ;)

It seems to most people surprising, though it doesn't really matter, but we met online. The site is not important, its' only relevance is that it enabled us to find out some basic information about each other, talk a little bit and make sure the other was not a crazy psycho killer and then arrange a time to meet. I will fully admit to something which has never happened to me before, but I was very anxious to meet him. I don't know what it was, because when it comes to meeting new people and talking to guys, I don't get nervous anymore, but I was VERY nervous. Anyway. We had a wonderful first date, we went to a Japanese place and had some sushi and dinner, bowling and then hung out at the bar for a while. I instantly felt super comfortable around him and talking to him, and my initial anxiety became silly and embarrassing.  I normally am a complete open book, but I felt like we could just talk about anything or nothing and be just fine. We've gone out together a few more times over the past 2 weeks or so and at least I feel that things are going very well. I'm not going to say any more on the matter, for fear of jinxing anything. I will keep you posted though. :D

Mother passed
Dropped out of school
Car died (oh, I forgot that part. Well, it didn't DIE but I had to get a lot of work done on it. NOT cheap.)
I stepped in gum (my cousin told me this would have put him over the edge)
Sister leaving
No friends
New male friend
Some time off from school that I apparently wished for on August 12th. 

Other than that I have had a very close friend pass away in March, my sister's best friend's father pass in July and a good friend go to prison (long story). It has been one HELL of a year and frankly, I can't say I am unhappy in this very moment. Which makes me think I am either bottling everything up and I just don't know it, or I am heartless and have no soul as my sister tells me all the time. Both are plausible. 

I have been asked if I have grieved yet, and I have. I went through depression and moved to acceptance in a matter of 4 days and I don't feel like I am holding anything extremely large, in. It sucked, yes, and it still is more or less a surreal feeling, but it happened and there isn't anything I can do about it no matter how much I would like to. I still find myself thinking about her being in the next room, or expecting to see her when I come home from work or at dinner, and it isn't easy, but it is what it is.  

I said that my mother's and mine's relationship wasn't the easiest and that's true. We didn't get along well most of the time and there were a lot of contributing factors that have been there my entire life that had just accumulated to the point of no return. To say it was strained was to put it lightly. This is unfortunate, however no less true. It was the same with her and my sister, though perhaps a little more serious because it started 10 years before mine did. There were many things she did to and many things she didn't do for us that were probably necessary for the development of ourselves as individuals and with her as our mother. I am not bashing her, don't get me wrong, but to someone on the outside, it wasn't just as easy as "my mother died." It was complicated. 

I sometimes feel bad if people ask me why I am not still or was not more upset, and it is very difficult to explain. Like I said I don't feel as though I am or have been holding anything major in, to the point of combusting, but I also am not going to force anything that isn't there, and that isn't something most people get. ANYWHO. 

I commend you, random readers, for making it this far. Please take this as no reach for pity or sympathy from anyone. Simply getting things out. If anyone has a question for me, if anyone reads this, please don't hesitate to ask me. I am more than an open book. Just, unless provoked, I don't have great stream-of-consciousness abilities.

I am BEET. Call Mr. McGregor. Goodnight :)

She literally gives me chills :