Friday, August 12, 2011

Back to School

I am always bittersweet about the ending of the summer and the returning to school. I love school. I love going to MY school. It is a wonderful environment in and out of my major studies. I LIVE in the theatre building, and I feel so safe and secure in there. I couldn't imagine spending as much time as I spend in that building, anywhere else on campus without going insane. I love my professors, I love my peers. Most of them, most of the time. I love what I do. I am so glad I chose to pursue music and theatre, I really feel like it is where I am meant to be. BUT. I love the summer. I love NOT being in school, and working, and being able to take time off and go see people.

For instance. Right now I'm in Wisconsin visiting my dad. I love my dad with my whole heart and he is one of my best friends. We say that I am his female clone, and it is absolutely true. I don't know where I would be without him and I don't want to go home. As is usually the case when I come to see him. 

Also the weather up here is AMAZING. Not higher than 80 the whole time I've been here and BLISTERINGLY cold in the winter. Perfect.

So going back to my lovely campus and my wonderful life at school is stressful, but amazing at the same time, and being away from my life that I've been living forever and actually DOING something, is tearing me up a little. Maybe a little more than usual. 

At the beginning of the summer, being home SO much, for SO long at one time was driving me absolutely bananas and I couldn't take it. I broke down. I felt like I was at the bottom of the pit from Silence of the Lambs (sans creepy Ted Levine and his lotion) SCREAMING at the top of my lungs and no one was listening. They were there, watching me scream and scrape my way up the walls but they were doing nothing about it. On purpose. I was drowning and I saw no way out. I've calmed down a little since then. I feel I am still in the tunnel, but I have a ladder. The only problem is the latter is broken on every 2 out of 3 rungs and I can't reach that high. I see the way out, I just can not get there no matter how hard I try. I am running out of options and I don't know what to do anymore. I really feel like no one is taking me seriously in my family and no one understands the gravity of the situation and how DESPERATELY I need to get out and live my own life. Suggestions are MORE than welcome, please. :)

Auditions are coming up for the school musical/fall play and I'm a little nervous. I am not pushing myself as much as I probably should be, seeing as how auditions are in 11 days, but I never do. I have things picked out and more or less memorized, just with some full scale reading, "acting" and fine tuning left to do.  I am not worried about myself in my departments. They both have seen me jump right in and work hard and be serious about my work, which I am. I am 100% serious about being in music and theatre for the rest of my life and there is no other way to get what I need out of my education than to take it 100% seriously. Though, some of the people I go to school with do not have that same concept, I am afraid. 

I don't know what else to write about.. I posted something on Facebook yesterday that I just wrote on a whim. Just came to me. I don't know. I don't really think/know if it is any good, but it's whatever :)

Here it is:

I feel like I'm standing still watching the world whip by me. I try to grab ahold of something but my fingers just slip. And I'm left here, standing in the same place. I fear I'll be left here until I can find a springboard of inspiration to send me high enough to land on the tops of my dreams. Colors and sounds spinning away from me getting faster. I could throw myself in and end up anywhere, or choose to be safe and wait until the perfect moment. Who knows when that day will come. For now I will sit back and watch life soar past. If I reach out and catch a glimpse of one memory, a fine detail, and hold on to it forever, maybe it will have been worth the blisters and bruises on my fingertips. Send my regards, if you can hear my whispered cries. I see you, I hear you, but I can not join you. Your world moves to fast for me. I can not keep running after something I can not retain. I have no more breath, no more will to feel myself losing control with no way to stop it. If I say one thing that you remember, keep that I wish you well. Run as fast as you can, always. Though I may never be fast enough. This spinning top in my dreams keeps turning. Running off the power of my fears. As it grows, it spins faster and I get dizzy and more afraid. The never ending cycle keeps the colors running, blurring together in and endless rainbow array. Yet, I stand planted here, without reach, without voice, without hope. I pray that it might someday stop and let me aboard, for it would be the sweetest life to be with you again.

Some of these did actually choke me up :)