Thursday, December 1, 2011

New York, New York.

One of the most important things to me, is loyalty. I believe in it with all of my heart and soul.

Since my pilgrimage to Ireland in 2007, and even before, I have been absolutely in LOVE with everything Irish and everything having to do with Ireland. The land, the food, the music, the people, the culture, the history. Oh! The history! The traditions and customs and the overall spirit of being Irish. I am not Irish myself, but you know the saying: There are two kinds of people, those who are Irish, and those who wish they were.

The most important to me, and I think appreciated (rightfully so) traditions is the Claddagh. The Irish wedding rings. When worn on the right hand either of two ways means one thing, and the same on the left. The ring is a crown atop a heart, being surrounded by hands, each signifying something that is essential in any relationship, especially marriage. The hands are friendship, which I believe is the first step. Love, is the heart, which is the final step in my eyes, but the most important, by far, is the crown, which means loyalty. Loyalty may be a stepping stone to love, but it is the last pump on a large assembly line of love, which without, nothing would be possible.

Too cheesy? Don't care. :)

But truly, loyalty is the most important thing in a relationship followed equally by trust (can't have one without the other) and then honesty and communication, and probably follows by similar interests or sexual compatibility.

(I bet you thought I was going to say equality. HA! Don't make me laugh. Men are completely superior. ;] )


I can't honestly say how many people I have put my trust in, and I have actually seen and had them prove their loyalty. In total, I think about only 10 people over the course of my life. Some being family, which may not count, and in that case, 7. Only have I ever met 7 people that are worth my (non-blood related) equal trust and loyalty and respect. Which is not something that is easily attained or regained after lost.

My whole reasoning for the loyalty rant, is to come to talk about my dreams and goals in my life and my career. So much has happened in the past two years, since I moved to NC, that I don't even know what I want to do anymore. I started school with an interior design path and I've wound up somewhere around music, theatre and education. Every day, decisions have to be made and each decision changes my view on what I want to do with my life.

There are a few things that remain unchanged, and really, the rest is unsure.

•I want to be loved. Unconditionally and passionately.
•I want to have a family and a home that I can take care of.
•I want to wake up every day and be able to do something I love doing. If my view on what I'm doing changes, so be it, I will adjust what I do.

The secondary goals in my life are things that I think would help me achieve the first set, but really are up in the air. These may seem like the primary dreams I have, and they are, but I am a realistic person. You don't always get what you want and if I can have all of column A, and some of column B, great.

•I want to live in New York.
•I want to perform.
•I want to be financially stable, if not moderately wealthy.
•I want my husband to have the same passion I have for music or an equal passion for something else.

For the finer details, they may be a little bit more far fetched, but none-the-less would be wonderful. Mostly, this is where I run into some conflicts, with timing in my life, and just physical impossibilities.

•I want to live in New York City.
•I want to be on Broadway.
•I want to have a loving husband and between 5 and 8 kids.
•I want to be married and on my way to children by 25.
•I want to raise my children in the town I grew up in.
•I want to be able to be a housewife, and have a job and hobbies, but be able to have a career if I wanted one.

There are a few snafus I run into about where I want to live, or when. But I know, as soon as I meet the right man, and I know he's the one, everything will work out the way it is supposed to, and I whole heartedly believe, and look forward to that.

I have had a bit of a difficult time in my life with abandonment. I have been left, and tossed away, and made to feel like nothing. I feel I am a stronger person for having been through the things in my life that I have, but there has been some damage that takes a bit more to sift through.

I have heard and been left, many times with the reason "Oh, what should you care, you're leaving anyway," in regards to my dreams and willingness and potential plans to move to New York. It makes me feel so guilty for following my dreams and to do something I love, when someone tells me they refuse to love me because of that. It shows people's true colors and you wouldn't want to be with them anyway, but it still hurts.

I do not think it is fair for ANYONE, to tell anyone else they don't care about them, or won't try BECAUSE they might be moving, or down the road, potentially moving to a city they might not like. Especially when they are following their dreams. That makes people feel so lousy, and it is unfair. That person who is leaving, may not either have a choice, or is doing it for themselves, and I think calling them out on it and thus, NOT standing by them, is the most selfish thing a person can do.

Moving on.

I am so unendingly blessed to have met one of the greatest men I've met in a long time. Eric is my boyfriend and we met through an online dating web-site. Almost from day 1, I have been so fascinated by him and I want to learn more about him every day. We've been going for about 2 months, but we've been going out on dates for almost 3. He is intelligent, funny, mindful, clever, he has a head on his shoulders. He's passionate, kind, weird enough to keep up with me, devastatingly handsome and I adore him. I truly know how lucky I am to have met him and I can not wait to be with him for hopefully a long while. :D

I am (still pending) transferring to East Carolina University. Which is about 3 1/2-4 hours from where I live now, but only about 2 1/2-3 from Eric. He has done nothing but support me in every decision concerning school. He wants to make sure I am doing something I love, and I am getting a good education, somewhere I like. He knows that me being far away is going to be hard, but he is more than willing to work something out, and isn't running. I appreciate that sentiment more than if he were to insanely move down there for 5 months, so we didn't have to be apart. That is actually kind of crazy and I'm really glad he didn't think of that. The fact that he cares about me enough to not be bothered by extended periods of not seeing each other, and is going to work through it, is something that is worth more than gold to me. As can be taken from this entire post.

So, I suppose the moral is, get to know the people you care about, and find out what they care about, and care about it yourself too, if nothing else but for them. Also too, probably is don't abandon the people who mean the most to you, no matter what happens or how hard you foresee an obstacle to be. It builds character and makes you a better person for it.

I'm done, mentally and physically drained but that could be because it's 3 am. :)

Goodnight. <3

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